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Our October 2009 Pet of the Month tells us the nine most common mistakes she sees guys making in bed … and tells you how to fix each problem.
By Ryan Keely
If you want the perfect shave, you go to a barber. If you want to make the perfect martini, you consult a bartender. So if you want to improve your sex skills, why not get advice from a porn star? Just bear one thing in mind: Ryan is the Pet who happily told us that she doesn’t make love; she has sex. If you’re with a more romance oriented woman, start small and gauge her reaction to, say, talking dirty. It could take a while for her to break out of the nice-girl mold.
1 . Not making sandwiches.
After a nice orgasm (or seven), I have one thing to say: “Where’s my sandwich?” I’m starving after a serious sack session. Your quick fix: Please be a good host and keep sandwich making materials on hand.
2 .Coming first and thinking you’re done.
A failure to make me orgasm will result in the saddest face you’ve ever seen, followed by the worst night of sleep you’ve ever had—if you can sleep at all while a naked me is fondling your nether regions and grinding against you. Your quick fix: Get me off, of course. I’ll be responsible for my own orgasm when I’m alone, but when I’m with you, I’m looking for something more. Please note: If you come first but you’re still hard or quick to regain tumescence, all will be forgiven.
3 . Trying every single foreplay move you’ve ever heard of.
Foreplay is not as important as you think, unless you’re ugly. Five minutes is plenty for me, and it can be plenty for most women if you do it right. Your quick fix: Make sure I’m wet or lubed up before you thrust into me, and at least sometimes make me come first. Please note: Oral sex is sex, not foreplay.
4 .Asking permission once we’ve started puttin’ stuff places.
Obviously, all sex should be consensual. But once we’re in the act, don’t ask. Your quick fix: Just do it. Chances are good that I’ll like it, and even if I don’t, I’ll appreciate the initiative. Trust me, if I don’t want you to do something, I’ll let you know.
5 . Trying too many positions in too short a time frame.
While I appreciate the enthusiasm, orgasms need time to build. Your quick fix: Relax and enjoy the moment. If we have lots of fun during round one, we can try new positions in round two, round three, round four….
6 .Being passive.
I want to have sex with a man, not a martyr. Don’t let me feel like I’m forcing myself on you. Your quick fix: Be an active participant in the fun and games. And while we’re on the subject …
7 . Not making noise.
Try to tell me how it feels, even if all you can get out is grunts or expletives. It’s the least you can do, since I’m going to be yelling about God and Jesus and how much I love your cock. Your quick fix: A few dirty comments and moans will let me know you’re loving it, too.
8 .Being weird about bodily fluids.
Sex is messy, especially if you do it right. Your quick fix: Learn to love it—duh. Some things are worth getting used to, and this is definitely one of them.
9. Not letting me spoon you.
Spooning goes both ways. It’s not part of some evil plan to peg you—unless you want me to. Your quick fix: Just accept it. Life will be easier and your sex life will be better if you’re the little spoon from time to time.
And don’t forget my damn sandwich. Even PB&J will suffice.
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The economy may be slumping, but your sex life doesn’t have to suffer a downturn, too. Penthouse Pet Charlie Laine explains how to get your sexual stock to point up.
By Jonathan Ages
PUT IT OUT THERE
“Tell her about your money issues. She’ll understand—everybody’s going through tough times. Just don’t whine about it. It looks bad. Anyway, you can’t hide this stuff from your woman. A wife is gonna know when her husband isn’t making as much money. You get grumpy.”
A LITTLE PAYBACK
“It’s gotta be hard, as a man, to ask a woman to help take care of you. But a relationship is a partnership, so of course you can ask her to split the bill. That’s fair game. Heck, I would offer!”
CAN’T BUY ME LOVE
“Money shouldn’t be the basis of love. Do things together that don’t cost much—watch a movie, take a walk on the beach, make dinner. It only matters that you enjoy each other’s company. All I need is for a guy to make me laugh. I’m a cheap date.”
SEX THERAPY
“Work can get particularly stressful with layoffs going on around you, but don’t bring that crap home with you. A girl can always make things better—sex, blowjobs—as long as you’re sweet to her. Stop at the gas station on the way home and buy her one of those cheap little roses. It’s just a little inspiration for her to be extra sweet.”
GROUND RULES
“You can talk about work or the economy when you first get home, but don’t discuss it after dinner. If we’re feeling down, it’s gonna be harder to have sex. Take flower petals and put them on the bed or light candles or run a bath—those little things help take our minds away from the economy and get us in the mood.”
EASE HER PAIN
“She doesn’t need to feel the hit to your income. A simple—and free!—foot massage will totally melt her heart. Bring lunch to work so you can save a couple of bucks every day. At the end of the month, take that money and buy your girlfriend a nice dinner. It doesn’t cost much to win a girl’s heart—at least not most girls.”
BAD INVESTMENT
“It’s hard to deal with a girlfriend who keeps spending your money. If she needs to buy a pair of shoes so she can feel better about herself, encourage her to go to one of those discount designer stores. (I don’t buy that stuff, though. I was raised in Wisconsin, and our biggest shopping spree was at Walmart.) If she still complains about you not buying her stuff, then obviously she doesn’t want you, she just wants your money. Peace out, beyotch!”
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All too often, the douche bag gets the girl. Penthouse Pet Veronica Ricci explains how nice guys can keep from finishing last.
-By Jonathan Ages
CRUEL INTENTIONS
“Sure, it’s interesting to tell stories about a boyfriend who spends all his money on coke and hookers, but getting the story isn’t worth being fucked over. I’m a nice girl, and I date nice guys. And offering the hooker the first line of coke does not make you a nice guy.”
COITUS INTERRUPTUS
“The bedroom is the worst place to be too nice. I want to feel like a woman, and I want a man to be dominant—unless it’s a slave-boy scenario or something. It kills the mood if a guy is overly nice. You just have to go with the flow. If she’s not into it, she’ll let you know.”
WATCH YOUR MOUTH
“Mark Twain said, ‘I can live two months on a good compliment.’ For me, that would have to be a great compliment! I like to receive thoughtful, meaningful compliments a little more regularly. But too many compliments can weird me out, like he’s expecting something in return. It’s like, ‘Thanks. I get it. Can you stop now?’ ”
GUY SMILEY
“If you don’t want to be around my best friend or something like that ’cause you aren’t a fan, just tell me. I’d respect that a lot more than some guy smiling through gritted teeth all the time. It’s nice that you’re willing to try, but if you do that too much it’ll seem like you’re always lying.”
HAVE A SPINE
“I like someone who’s just a little bit of a pushover, but he’s got to have a backbone. Say I flirt with one of his friends in front of him, and he doesn’t say anything about it or get even a little jealous. I’d think he’s gonna snap ’cause he’s holding it in. That should bother you, you know?”
STICK TO YOUR GUNS
“You definitely have to make compromises, but don’t completely compromise your opinion for the sake of a girl. If I sensed that a guy was letting me win an argument or changing his opinion to suit me I’d be like, ‘What the hell else are you holding back?’ ”
CATCH AND RELEASE
“I’ve met guys who were total doormats. I haven’t dated any of them, though, ’cause they offered everything too easily. I hate when I meet a guy and he’s immediately ready to have me move in—so he can be Captain Save-a-Ho. I’m not your project.”
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It isn’t easy to go from being a freewheeling single guy to a monogamous boyfriend. Penthouse Pet Lexxi Tyler tells you how to avoid selling out your manhood.
By Jonathan Ages
OFF THE BAT
“I appreciate when my boyfriend introduces me as his girlfriend. It lets people know, ‘She’s not available. Don’t hit on her.’ And it’s letting other chicks know, ‘Hey, this is the Head Bitch in Charge.’ Sure, it’s like saying you have ownership over each other, but it’s really a sign of respect.”
THE RUN-IN
“You can say hello to your ex at a party, as long as you keep it short and sweet—don’t leave your chick alone and go talk to your ex for the night. Even better, take your girlfriend over there with you, if she is comfortable with it.”
CHECK-IN TIME
“You don’t have to cut back on partying just ’cause you’re in a serious relationship. Of course we’re cool with you going out for boys’ night. But if your normal routine is to check in at the end of the night, you’ve got to stick with it—even if you’re out of town. If you don’t, she’s gonna start thinking crazy. You would too, right? You have to call if you end up staying out later than you said you would. Otherwise, she may come looking for you. That’s just scary. Go to the bathroom to make the phone call, so there won’t be a girl’s voice in the background—that would be a quick way to piss off your girlfriend.”
WEB CRAWLERS
“Sometimes on MySpace, a guy will say, ‘My wife would be mad if she found out I was friends with you.’ I’m just like, ‘I have 54,000 friends, dude. I don’t really give a fuck.’ Your woman will mind, though, if you’re just trying to check out another hot
chick. And don’t try to sneak it under the radar, either. You’re just asking for problems.”
GIVE IT UP
“Guys know what’s gonna get them into trouble. Being in a relationship is not rocket science—even if it feels like it sometimes. And if you’re making so many concessions to your girl that you feel totally emasculated, find another chick.”
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There are some things that unleash a girlfriend’s inner demons. Penthouse Pet Tori Black talks about the most common mistakes men make, so you can avoid relationship purgatory.
By Jonathan Ages
TEARS FOR JEERS
“I laugh at guys who cry over sports. You have too much of yourself wrapped up in the game, and that makes you a horrible loser. I expect you to cry over something legitimate—like hearing that your mother is ill—but if you cry just ’cause I broke up with you, then you’re a bit of a pussy.”
BE HER KNIGHT
“My boyfriend has not always defended me. But he does now! One time I told this woman she needed to cover up her baby ’cause it was so cold outside. And my boyfriend told me I was out of line—while we were in front of this woman. He was completely wrong! I stormed off and started driving away. He had to beg me to let him in. If you love me, then defend me. Don’t take the other person’s side. If I’m wrong, you can tell me later.”
MASTER OF YOUR DOMAIN
“I once walked in on a boyfriend jerking off. He closed the computer, ran to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and squatted behind the door. I said, ‘I don’t care that you’re watching porn. Just tell me who it was.’ He finally showed me…and it was me! I thought that was so hot! I was like, ‘Awesome! Let’s fuck right now!’ A lot of girls get insecure, though, ’cause they think they’re not doing the job. But I get myself off all the time, and if I’m doing it, then I’m sure he’s doing it.”
TRUTHINESS SAVES
“Never lie. It’s not a big deal if you go out with your guy friends, so just tell us. Don’t lie and say you’re at work. ’Cause if we catch you lying, we don’t know how far it goes. How do we know that you’re not out fucking
another chick? So don’t lie about anything. Even a small lie could lead us to not trust you anymore.”
RESPECT YOUR MOM
“I would freak out if my boyfriend were rude to his mother. Don’t even talk badly about your mom to me, ’cause if you talk that way about your mom, I can only imagine what you’re saying about me behind my back.”
THE BIGGEST BLUNDER
“I would never be able to respect a man who talks shit about a woman. It doesn’t matter who—she could be a hooker—it just reflects badly on him, not on her.”
For more pictures visit: Tori Black December 2008, Penthouse Pet Gallery
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You can’t pull off the money shot if you’ve thrown out your back attempting some over-the-top move. Penthouse Pet Brea Lynn reveals what you need to know to succeed at porn-star-style sex.
PLAYGROUNDS
“Anywhere you’re comfortable having sex-living room, pool-go for it. I always find good places, but I like to keep it to the bedroom. There are fewer painful things that could happen there. Like, if you do it in the grass, you could have an allergic reaction; and in the shower, you might knock over a razor and step on it. Plus, in the bedroom you can have all your goodies right there in a drawer. The living room works well, too, but don’t leave any weird stains.”
ROMANCING THE MOAN
“I don’t think setting the scene is the best way to have good sexual relations. It’s not a turn-on to pull back from a kiss and say, ‘Hold on, I’ve got to put on some Barry White.’ If you’ve already started hooking up, then just go with it. Otherwise you’ll have to set the mood again. And while you’re hunting through your drawer for a lighter as she sits there naked, tapping her fingers, she might just be like, ‘Let’s just turn on SportsCenter and see this week’s bloopers.’ ”
HEAD BORED
“Some girls lie there like a dead fish. But maybe that gives you license to bend her like a pretzel. Go with whatever feels best for you. And if you saw a hot position in an adult film, throw her over the side of the bed and go for it! You’re not going to stop in the middle and say, ‘Hey, do you mind …?’ It’s sex; it’s not meant to be polite.”
“But it’s not a pleasant surprise to go backdoor on a girl. Set the guidelines beforehand: ‘Do you mind your hair being pulled? Do you mind if I spank you?’ Then go for it.”
WAKE THE NEIGHBORS
“Some girls are naturally loud; some are quiet. It’s easy to make sure she’s loud-if you’re doing something that’s making her get louder, keep doing it. The guy should make some sounds, too, but don’t groan to the point where you’re louder than her. I used to date this guy who made obnoxious sounds when we were only kissing. I didn’t even want to know what he was going to be like in bed.”
POSITION IMPOSSIBLE
“There’s this hype that porn-star sex is the best-but it’s acting. And a lot of the sex isn’t done for comfort; it’s what looks good on camera. Go with what feels best to you, not what you see on film that looks good-unless, of course, people are watching you.”
BLOOPER REAL
“In a video, they can edit it out if the girl falls off the bed when the couple switches positions. At home, there’s no way to do it seamlessly. I once had sex with the lights out and fell off the bed when we were changing positions. It scared the mood right out of me. I was like, ‘Oh my God, I almost died!’ If you make a big deal, it’s hard to continue. Make a joke about it and just keep going.”
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Every night your girlfriend goes out, her friends are there, too—whether you like it or not. Penthouse Pet Shawna Leneé explains how you can get along with your woman’s entourage.
-By Jonathan Ages
BROS BEFORE HO’S
“I’ve had a boyfriend or two that my friends didn’t like. In the end, my friends have always been right. They’re outside the window looking in, and they know what kind of person you are and what kind of person you need. Never end a friendship over some girl! And be warned, if her friends don’t like you, she’s a lot more likely to break up with you. They’ve planted a seed in her head. It’s hard for her not to be influenced by that—even if you spit out those three magical words: I love you.”
ESCAPE CLAUSE
“It’s a bad move to separate your girlfriend from her friends because she needs someone she can talk to besides you. If you get in a fight and you need your space, you’re screwed if she’s got nowhere to go.”
FAMILY FEUD
“Friends are like family. When two people get together, they want their friends to get along. If you have some minor issues with her friends, then you’ve just got to push aside the problems. You’re not in the relationship for your girlfriend’s friends; you’re in it for the girlfriend. Still, there’s a point when, if you and your buddies can’t stand her friends, you have to call it quits. Otherwise there’s gonna be way too much tension.”
THANKS, JEEVES
“If her friends are annoying divas, and one of them asks you to carry her bag, don’t do it. Who cares if she gets pissed off? She’s not your girlfriend. But if it’s something minor, like holding her purse for a moment, then it’s better just to do it so you can get along. Sometimes you’ve gotta act like a pussy—deal with it.”
PARTY TILL YOU PUKE
“Amusement parks work great, if you want to repair your standing with her friends. And if you still can’t get along at an amusement park, then it’s never gonna happen. Oh, and your fun factor is zero.”
THIRD WHEEL
“So many girls have jealous friends. Invite the friend out, and hook her up on double dates. She won’t view it as pity. My friends hook me up with guys all the time. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least I’m out having fun and I have someone to talk to when they’re busy making out.”
Shawna Lenee 2009 Penthouse Pet of the Year Runner-Up Gallery
Shawna Lenee Pet Playoff Gallery
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First-date small talk is a minefield of treacherous topics. Parents? Divorced. Exes? She’s comparing you to them right now. Penthouse Pet Martina Warren helps you navigate the tricky terrain.
By Jonathan Ages
LIQUID COURAGE
“Be yourself. But it doesn’t hurt to loosen up by having a couple of drinks beforehand. Just don’t get too drunk.”
FRESH DIRECT
“Don’t spark conversation with a standard line. Be spontaneous; make some witty comment about some-thing. Asking about her day may seem like you’re not trying hard, but it works for me. Maybe I’m just easy.
“But there’s nothing worse than a guy who doesn’t let the girl talk. It makes me want to never see him
again. And definitely don’t go on and on about work. Keep your response to a minute or two and then say, ‘That’s enough about me. What do you do?’ ”
LAY IT ON LIGHT
“Compliment her, but play it cool and say something casual and off the cuff, like, ‘I like your dress.’ Definitely don’t say, ‘Wow, you’re hot!’ What’s she supposed to say to that? Plus, it’ll make you look desperate—especially if you’re staring at her boobs.”
QUIET YOUR NERVES
“A lull in conversation can be good or bad, depending on how well the date is going. In general, keep the
conversation flowing. You can always fall back on, ‘How’s your wine?’
“Then again, recognize when it’s a nice, relaxing quiet. Figure it out from her facial expressions and body language. Just beware if she’s looking for the nearest exit.”
NO SOUL-SEARCHING
“Look into her eyes, but don’t make it seem like you’re staring into her soul. Find a good balance of looking at her and looking around the room. And don’t stare at some other girl as if you’re setting up a backup plan.”
NO EX ON THE FIRST DATE
“Ex-girlfriends are a totally out-of-bounds topic on a first date. You will not come across as the sensitive type. She’s going to wonder if you got dumped, and think there’s something wrong with you.”
SLIM-FIT GENES
“Family is a dangerous topic to discuss, but I think it’s safe to ask if she has siblings. Act empathetic if she says anything bad, and don’t ask if her sister is hot. It’s even worse to ask if her mom is hot. We all know it’s a cheap trick to find out what we’re going to look like when we get old.”
GAME OVER
“You can answer the phone, but keep it brief. There’s nothing worse than sitting aimlessly while some guy is chatting with his buddy on the phone about the football game. And if she’s texting constantly, that’s not a good sign. She’s probably telling her friends you’re a loser.”
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Everybody’s got relationship baggage, but no guy wants to carry his girlfriend’s, too. Penthouse Pet Teagan Presley explains how you can date her, not her cargo.
-By Jonathan Ages
HIDE YOUR HAND
“Don’t have the sex-history talk until you’re exclusive, and you’ve had sex. Do it over a drink—’cause she’ll tell you more if she’s not sober.”
NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS
“The most important question to ask is about STDs. Put it nicely. Ask her if she always uses condoms. The conversation will naturally flow from there. And if she doesn’t use condoms, she’s not thinking about her sexual health. Run out the door!”
SHE COUNTS LIKE BERNIE MADOFF
“I don’t think it really matters how many people she’s had sex with. Don’t even ask. Anyway, she’s probably gonna chop five or ten people from her actual number before she gives you a total. And that total does not include the one-night stands she had when she was fucked up.”
TAIL TALLY
“Most girls just won’t care about the number of women you’ve had sex with, so just tell her, if she asks. It’s definitely more acceptable for a guy to have a higher number than his girlfriend. If it’s particularly high, though, she might be worried that she won’t measure up to the other women.”
THE GARBAGE DUMP
“Find out if she’s slept with any of your friends. You don’t want to fuck a girl after one of your buddies has. This is an extreme example, but one of my friends found out that the girl he had been fucking had already fucked one of his friends. And one of their hookups was an hour apart!”
SEX, LIES, AND MORE LIES
“There’s no guarantee that she’ll tell you if she cheated on a previous boyfriend. She doesn’t want to give you the impression that she has a
tendency to cheat. But if she has, you
should be a little more guarded. You
don’t want to look like an idiot.”
HEAR NO EVIL
“Some girls are open about their past, like my friends, who are blunt bitches. They’d be like, ‘I wouldn’t be so good at sucking your dick if I didn’t have all this experience!’ Other girls are really shy about it. If a girl doesn’t want to answer a question, she’s been around the block.”
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Splitsville is a lonely place, and nobody wants to imagine an ex going hog wild with anyone except Ben and Jerry. Penthouse Pet Prinzzess Sahara
delivers the scoop on what women really do after calling it quits.
-By Jonathan Ages
GRABBING REBOUNDS
“If you broke up with her, she’s either so pissed that she doesn’t even want to talk to another guy, or she already went out for a rebound quickie. If she dumped you, she may already have someone else in mind, so it’s reasonable to be a little nervous after your breakup. But she’s not definitely running out to hook up with another guy. After my last breakup, I didn’t date anyone for a year.”
SHE SIZES YOU UP
“She definitely compares you to her new guy. We always compare how boyfriends kiss, what they like, how they have sex. It’s not always about who’s better, though. It may just be about how they’re different.
“Most likely, the guy she was dating for a while was better in bed—unless he was a total asshole and didn’t care about what she likes. In my case, I don’t get off from fucking. I get off from being teased with fingers, and once I’m fucking there’s no teasing. If I hook up with a new guy, all he’s gonna want to do is fuck. And I don’t care if he’s fucking for an hour or 30 seconds, it’s not gonna do me any good. I like guys who play around for a little while, and new guys don’t always do that.”
GOOD-BYE GIFT
“Whether or not she keeps stuff you gave her depends on how intimate the situation was. If I got earrings on an anniversary, I wouldn’t wear them again. If they were randomly purchased at the mall, I might wear them again. I know, it sucks. But I just wouldn’t want to be sad, thinking about that intimacy, every time I put on the earrings.”
GET OVER THE HUMP
“It’s fine to chat if neither of you has entered a new relationship—particularly because people sometimes get back together. Unless you’re both totally over your relation ship, it’s not cool to bring up any details of your new one. It would bother me to know that someone I was once intimate with is now with someone else.”
GET THE UPPER HAND
“The one who instigated the breakup usually has the power, but the one who appears to have recovered the best is the first one to move on to the next serious relationship. So get out and live your life.”
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Dinner and a movie is the dating equivalent of white bread—bland and boring. Penthouse Pet Jessica Jaymes explains how to spice things up with a sex-themed date that will bring out your woman’s wild side.
By Jonathan Ages
BREAK THE NICE
“I like to be straight up. Just say, ‘Hey, babe, I’ve planned something for Friday night. We’re going on a sex date and we’re gonna have some fun.’ It doesn’t hurt to turn her on beforehand. Coax her a bit by touching her hair and kissing her softly.”
STIR IT UP
“Make an aphrodisiac-filled dinner to set the mood. The sexiest part of cooking is probably going to be her ass in an apron—particularly if you cook naked and can just bend her over the countertop and slide it in. But cooking is so much fun, and the experience can be a turn-on in itself. Make a crème brûlée to close out the meal, then enjoy the ultimate dessert—in the bedroom.”
GAME ON!
“There are lots of fun, corny games you could play, like strip poker or truth or dare. But my favorite game is actually stored under my bed. It’s called Love and Lust. It’s a thousand sexually based drinking games. Why not combine the two things we all love the most?”
TOY STORY
“Go to a sex store with her and buy something simple but fun. I have every single sex toy known to man, but my go-to is a small vibrator—’cause I really get off on clitoral stimulation. The other day I picked up a feather. It’s a good, kind of kinky, beginner toy.”
AND … SCENE
“If you rent a porno, choose the movie together. Then go home, pop in that fucker, and go crazy! Be careful, though. Watching porn with your girlfriend can be really hot, so you may not make it through the first scene.”
GIRL WATCHING
“If you go to a strip club, go straight to the VIP section. First, find the right dancer and buy your girl a dance. Sit nearby and watch. That way she’ll get her alone time and you’ll still get to enjoy the show. You’ll be rockin’ and rollin’, and she’ll get wet and horny and good to go, too. Later, you can share a dance. And if she’s anything like me, she won’t be weirded out. She’ll be really pleased. It’ll be liberating for her. But if your girlfriend is more interested in the stripper than she is in you, you just may end up being the sidekick.”
For more pictures of Jessica Jaymes visit the 2008 Pet Playoff Gallery
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With dating, you’ve got to give if you’re going to get. Penthouse Pet Lexie Karlsen tells us how a little investment can yield some big returns.
-By Jonathan Ages
LIVE LARGE
“A simple pair of cufflinks can look expensive. There’s also the old rule: Buy the best you can afford. You don’t need an $8,000 Rolex. An Omega is nice, and that’s not too much. Just steer away from the ones that look old man–ish. And don’t wear any cheap jewelry. You don’t want to be that guy wearing the gold rope chain.”
NOT JUST THE TIP
“A guy can look like he doesn’t have much money if he’s a cheap tipper. On the first date you should always tip, like, 20 percent—even if the service wasn’t that great. I’d be turned off by a really cheap guy. I’d probably blow him off a couple of times—you know, set up a date and then say I can’t make it. I’d torture him.”
QUICHE ISN’T KITSCH
“Brunch is a good time to go to a fancy
place without having to spend quite
as much money. The one big problem
is, it’s the middle of the day, so you’re
probably not gonna get laid.”
THE VINTAGE DATE
“I think art galleries or wine tastings are really good, inexpensive-yet upscale date ideas. People assume that people with money always drink and collect wine. I don’t care. I just drink cheap wine.”
RAID YOUR FRIDGE
“Picking up food and making a gourmet meal will score you major points for thoughtfulness while controlling the budget—she can’t order a $100 lobster. Pick up a $10 bottle of wine and say, ‘It was rated really highly by Wine Spectator.’ And display the food really well. Nice plates and even cheap glasses make things look classy.”
BROWNBAG THE BOOZE
“Bring-your-own-bottle restaurants make for an affordable, classy date. Just make sure to ask her beforehand what she likes to drink. I was on a date with this one guy who bought me a Cherry Coke and rum. It was this disgusting, white-trash drink!”
DITCH THE DIGGER
“It’s difficult to know when to ditch a gold digger. I guess it all depends on how badly you want to get laid. The golden rule is to get rid of her if she buys the most expensive thing on the menu, then barely touches it.”
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Pick up women as you drop pounds at the gym this new year. Penthouse Pet—and self-proclaimed gym rat-Lux Kassidy exposes the secret to getting physical with that spandex-clad vixen you’ve been eyeing.
By Jonathan Ages
THE DREADMILL
“If you’re going to approach a girl at the gym, do it when she’s on her way to the water fountain—not when she’s on the treadmill or in the middle of a set. I had one guy come up to me in the middle of a set and I just threw up a finger in his face. He didn’t say anything. He just put his head down, turned around, and walked away with his tail between his legs. The very worst time to approach a girl is when she’s on the leg abductor—the sex machine. I’d be really pissed if someone approached me when I’m spread-eagle on a machine.”
KEEP YOUR PANTS ON
“If a chick is interested, she’ll go up to a guy and ask him a workout question. Guys can’t do that, though. In fact, the next time a guy does that to me I’m gonna pants him!”
NO NIP SLIPS
“Do you know how many guys I’ve seen-and given a dirty look to-wearing those wife beaters that hang so low their effing nipples hang out?”
WHICH WAY TO THE BEACH?
“There’s this guy at my gym who, after every set, gets up and looks at his abs in the mirror. Flexing at the gym is a definite no-no.”
THREAD THE NEEDLE
“Classes can be a good place to pick up, ’cause at the end of a class there’s a bond between people. You’ve just experienced something together. And if you make eye contact with women during class they’ll know you’re hetero—unless you wear those short-ass short-shorts. Oh, and don’t fart in her face when you’re doing the downward-facing dog or whatever it’s called.”
EAU DE TOILET
“There is such a thing as deodorant, and there is no way that you work out so hard that you burn through it. If you smell bad, then you’ve either forgotten to put on deodorant or you’ve shit yourself. I’ve smelled guys in the gym who have stunk up the room so badly they’ve cleared out half of the weight-machine area. And whenever that guy comes over to my area, I tell him to go away. Clearly, I’m no angel.”
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Unless you’re a one-night-stand devotee, there’s a good chance you’ve spent time in Dumpsville. It sucks. (At least that’s what we’ve heard.) Penthouse Pet Valentina Vaughn reveals the secret signs women give before kicking guys to the curb.
SHE’S GOT GAME
“Dating is such a twisted world of manipulation. If a girl really likes you, she will play games—like making you wait for sex. If I’m interested in a guy, I ask him as many questions as he asks me. If I’m not really into him, I won’t. I stop listening and totally use him like a punching bag and therapist.”
CHEAT CODES
“Some girls look good all the time and some girls only look good when they like a guy, so the cellphone is a better indication of a girlfriend’s wandering eye. If she doesn’t answer her cellphone at work, that’s fine. But if she doesn’t answer at another time or call you back within the hour, that’s the No. 1 sign she’s cheating. And when a girl accuses you of having a wandering eye, it’s her guilty conscience com i ng out. Cheaters accuse somebody else of cheating because it makes them feel better about themselves. This is, like, Psychology 101.”
ON A BREAKAWAY
“When somebody says, ‘I want to take a break,’ it means that they know the relationship is going to hell. A break doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end, though. There is still a chance that you’ll get back together. But when she’s taking the break, she’s either doing her best to get over you or trying to forgive you for all the dumb shit you’ve been doing.”
GOING TO THE MATTRESSES?
“If you keep having bullshit fights-and I think it’s guys who mostly do this ’cause they’re fucking pussies-then she wants out. She doesn’t respect you. She is definitely trying to get you to break up with her. It’s hard, but you just have to draw the line and say, ‘Fuck it.’ ”
HOOP DREAMS
“I give fair warning when I’m about to break up with a guy. I’ll keep my mouth shut and just observe more. I was totally at wit’s end during my last breakup, but I was trying to make the relationship better. I wasn’t surprising him with dinner or anything, but I was giving him another chance. He should be the one jumping through hoops, not me. And if he doesn’t want to, then it’s just that much easier to leave him.”
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It’s not enough to rub your woman the right way. Sometimes you have to talk dirty, too. Penthouse Pet Alektra Blue tells you how to push her limits without pushing your luck.
TEST THE WATERS
“Start off slow. If she’s shy in bed, tell her how beautiful she is. Then use a Disney-fied slogan: ‘Ahh, that feels so good!’ You can build up to slightly dirtier lines, like ‘You’re so wet for me.’ I don’t expect somebody to sweettalk me. I go straight for the goods. I don’t know how to not be dirty. I love the words pussy and cunt. I think they’re sexy. I’m not your normal girl, though.”
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE
“No certain thing gets a girl hot. You can say anything. It’s all about the moment, and the way you say it. I like men who speak like they have balls-not like some chick-flick dude. You should sound confident. Stare into the girl’s eyes. Speak in a deep tone. If you’re fucking her hard, then you should have a little bit of sternness in your voice. If you’re fucking soft, then you need to be sweet. Just don’t step over the line-if you say another girl’s name, I’ll push you off me.”
KEEP IT SIMPLE
“I guess it’s okay if a guy says something short and sweet in a different language. But he better not talk the whole time, ’cause I won’t understand what the fuck he’s saying! I’d probably kick him out of bed if he kept doing it, but it depends on how good he looks and how good he’s doing me.”
ANATOMY VOCABULARY
“It’s about letting loose. I mean, if we were in the moment and a guy said, ‘I love your vagina,’ I’d be like, ‘What?!’ I use the word vagina all the time, but I’d probably laugh if a guy used it. Phrases like ‘I love your tatas’ are so college! Just say tits. And penis sounds clinical. Call it dick or cock. A guy who says, ‘I want you to suck on my throbbing rod,’ is definitely trying too hard.”
DAMAGE CONTROL
“If she laughs, laugh with her. If she gets weird, kiss her-she won’t be able to talk about it. And if she only gives you ‘yes/no’ answers, then she likes it, but she might not know how to talk dirty. Ask her questions like, ‘How does my dick feel?’ She’ll have to answer eventually.”
BARE ESSENTIALS
“Don’t over-talk it. It’ll just ruin it. During a shoot recently, someone told me he liked the way my pussy sucked his dick. I just started laughing. I was like, ‘What are you talking about?’ The director was like, ‘Cut!’ ”
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